there is so much to remember,
i fall asleep telling myself not to forget
certain thoughts-
like how would i know
if your pain in losing her
is greater than any i've felt
in losing another?
who would be the judge,
how would we right our scales
to compare?

did it have you weak in the knees
and covered as if with a thin cloth?
or was it heavy?
did you find yourself
desperately in search
of a hidden stairway,
or just a place to duck away from everyone
while out walking, ever?

did you give yourself
enough time alone
to be with this new knowledge
and grief and gaping absence?
did you not know what to do
with your self
to begin filling that space again?
(what exactly am i filling, now,
and with what material?)

all i know is that
it gets full again, then empties
back out.

i remembered all this
the next morning
while walking in the park, close to my house.